>> Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Forgiveness. It can be a heart-wrenching, agonizing, tortuous thing to wrestle with.

Forgiveness. A couple months ago we were fostering a baby girl that was very sickly. I nursed this baby girl for weeks. Three of those weeks were spent in the hospital holding her, kissing on her, nurturing her, loving her. We sacrificed our time and our money to be by her side, and she wasn't even our child. There was an adoptive couple who was going to adopt her but when they found out the reality of her situation they backed out. It's probably a good thing. We were determined we were not going to abandon her though and decided to adopt her ourselves. We even went to court and the judge granted us permission to adopt her. But before taking her home from the hospital, the caseworker came in and informed us that they had decided to place her in another foster home. What??!! There was little rhyme or reason why they decided to do this. How could they undermine a judge??? How could they rip this child from my arms after what I had been through with her. It didn't make sense and I was angry! I came home from the hospital with empty arms and cried for days. How could I forgive the people who took her from me? How could I accept the injustice?

Forgiveness. Today I find myself wrestling with forgiveness for very different reasons. I thought I had made peace with it but after one single phone call all those feelings have been drudged up all over again. You see, one year ago I had pancreatitis and needed a feeding tube, but the feeding tube was misplaced. I needed emergency surgery and spent weeks in the hospital. The depth of my anger toward the doctors who not only misplaced my tube but also treated me so poorly, doesn't even begin to describe my tumultuous feelings. But to make matters worse the docs lied about misplacing the tube and blamed it on me, saying I must have messed with it. If it's one thing I don't's when someone attacks my character! In the end, we decided to file a lawsuit. We had obtained an xray taken immediately after my tube was placed which was b/w evidence that they had placed it wrong. I had been told by numerous people that it was an open and shut case. However, the lawyer called yesterday to inform me that she doesn't want to proceed with the case. She feels the money we'll get in the end will not justify her expenses. I can totally see her side of things and don't blame her but to me it's not about the money, it's about the principle. These docs need to be held accountable!!! So now I have a choice...I can find another lawyer and insist on being heard...or I can find forgiveness in my heart with no earthly reward.

Forgiveness. But I hate injustice!! I hate that a caseworker undermined a judge and jeopardized an innocent baby's life. If it's one thing I've learned it's that the foster care system is FULL of injustice. I also hate that a doc violated my body, lied about his actions and I'm left with nothing more than a ugly old scar in my belly and a bruised ego. I know God hates injustice too so forgiveness doesn't make sense to me.

Forgiveness. I know God is calling me to it. I know in my head I will find peace once I embrace it. But right this minute I can't wrap my heart around it. I want the truth to be known. I want to tell it like it is. I want to be heard. I want justice. I want accountability. I want all those earthly things that my flesh demands. But I also know that I serve a King who has upside-down standards. In His kingdom the first shall be last and the last shall be first. When we are weak, we are strong. His grace is sufficient for me.

Forgiveness. I'm not there yet. I have a lot of forgiving to do. But as of right now...I'm still wrestling with it.


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